Why? Why, when I finally start getting more hours at work, start feeling like I may actually be able to pay my bills, my stupid FUCKING CAR DIES! It's like fate has it in for me. I was going to go out to the bank, find out if I can get a loan and look for cars today. How am I supposed to do that when I don't even have a car to go do this with? I hate how life just keeps getting in my face, laughing. I wish that maybe just one thing would go right. Just one! Make me feel better. Ugh. Now my mom is really mad at me for moving out. I told her that it just wouldn't work with my lifestyle and she pulls the "Start doing the RIGHT things and it wouldn't matter" bowl shit and I was so tempted to just yell at her. I am sick of the judgment of stupid UTAHNS!!!!! Why can't I just live life the way I want to. Be who I want to be. BE ME, without people getting at me for it! It is absolutely fucking ridiculous! I hate being stranded in my apartment with no way of doing anything.
Anyways, sorry for the ridiculously emo blog.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Stuck in the dark abyss of loneliness.
okay, that sounded a little dramatic, but hey, sounds like a great line for a song! :-P
anyways, its been a very long time since i've blogged, even though i've had so much on my mind it is absolutely ridiculous.
First. Ex-girlfriends. I've had my share of girlfriends. Probably too many for my age. To put it into perspective, i can't count how many girls i've kissed on three hands, and i can't count how many girlfriends i've had on two. I'm 18 for god's sakes! I know, I am a fucking manwhore. Anyways, i've been bumping into a few of my exes, and it has been interesting.
One, Katie, lives up in West Jordan, recently started talking to me again. I went up and saw her just a week ago, and that was awesome. No weird feelings, just talking, hanging out, playing football and basketball, and enjoying the weather. It was nice. she's an awesome girl, some guy is going to be very lucky, but not me. I don't want her, I've got my own!
Kenzie... this girl has been "in love" with me since she met me. I can always count on her coming crawling back whenever she goes through a break up... haha. She is an interesting one. I went and saw her last week, and that was strange. we talked like old friends, but i also discovered that she still likes me. what a shocker. This girl is a drama queen, a liar, a slut (not to be rude or anything, but if i walked up to her with a condom in hand she would then begin stripping, yes, that bad), and all around dramatic... did i already say that?... oh well. Anyways i don't plan on seeing her for a long while.
Then there is my most recent ex.... Julia... So many things go through my head when that name is said. Or even thought. Or referred to. (First, I have to apologize to Alyse. You are my world, Alyse. I don't know where I would be without you. Please don't let this get to you.) I loved Julia with all my heart. I was mentally ready to spend the rest of my life with her. Her family loved me. Even her dad! Which is a hard thing to do. Her family seemed to be very close to how my family is. They play games as a family, make sure that the family stays close. Board games have always been a classic around my parents house. We always played them as a family, and still do. Her family did the same. I felt at home when i was there. I was ready to be calling President Noble, Dad. And Sister Noble, Mom. Julia's brother and I got along quite well. We would teast Julia just as if we were brothers. I felt a part of the family already. In my mind, i knew that they were going to be my in-laws. Well, one day, Julia breaks up with me. For a week, I held my own. I kept on telling myself to get over it. Covered sadness with anger. Then one night she called me a liar and an asshole. I fell apart. Fragments of my heart all over the kitchen floor. I hadn't been able to talk to anyone about how I felt. No venting happened before this event. So it burst, like a balloon with too much air. I balled my eyes out for what seemed like days, even weeks, when it was only hours. Before that night, I had no idea that one's heart could hurt physically from an emotional cut. but that night proved me wrong. My chest, My heart really did feel as if someone was taking knife and slowly tearing it into small pieces. the cutting and burning sensation was unlike anything else. I didn't know what to do. I needed a hug, but didn't know if anyone wanted to give it. I grabbed sam. Now me and sam have had our differences. We bash heads quite often. But i think this has something to do with the fact that we're so much alike. Our strengths and weaknesses are the same. So our weaknesses do not compliment each other. but there is a reason I'm still his friend. And that's because he does care. I'm not a nuisence, I'm a friend. and it means a lot. Anyways back to hugging. Hugging sam that night made a huge difference. I wanted so desperately to hug either nessa or alyse, but didn't know how they would react. and deena, well she's one to try to solve things, not to comfort. So, it came to sam. Now i may sound a little gay putting sam on such a high pedestal, but what the hell? He did, he helped a lot. After i calmed down a little, Alyse and I proceeded to talk about music. she got my mind off things and let me show her a few of my favorite bands. I can't thank you enough, Alyse.
After that night... the remnants of my broken heart that i could salvage went into a safe. and i broke the key. on purpose. i told myself that i couldn't trust anyone with it anymore. My heart was mine, and mine alone. now, i so desperately want to give it up again, but i need the key. In order to get that, i need a blacksmith to make a new one. It has to be one hell of a blacksmith too. alyse has tried so many times, but no matter how willing i am, i just can't seem to give it up. There's a part of julia in that safe still. and i think she is keeping it shut. alyse has made the right key, but it won't open. i keep telling myself, "one day, you'll see julia, and nothing will happen. you own't hurt, wounds will not open, scars will be left alone" but every time i see her, i want desperately to be back. Back when we were together in the beginning, before we even had sex. but then i realize that that isn't possible, and i go off and wallow in my own self pity. then proceed to want Alyse terribly bad. i just hope that one day i can let her go. go on with life and let another heal my heart and claim it as their own.
I'm sorry to write such a depressing blog. I'll try to be more energetic next time!
goodbye good friends.
anyways, its been a very long time since i've blogged, even though i've had so much on my mind it is absolutely ridiculous.
First. Ex-girlfriends. I've had my share of girlfriends. Probably too many for my age. To put it into perspective, i can't count how many girls i've kissed on three hands, and i can't count how many girlfriends i've had on two. I'm 18 for god's sakes! I know, I am a fucking manwhore. Anyways, i've been bumping into a few of my exes, and it has been interesting.
One, Katie, lives up in West Jordan, recently started talking to me again. I went up and saw her just a week ago, and that was awesome. No weird feelings, just talking, hanging out, playing football and basketball, and enjoying the weather. It was nice. she's an awesome girl, some guy is going to be very lucky, but not me. I don't want her, I've got my own!
Kenzie... this girl has been "in love" with me since she met me. I can always count on her coming crawling back whenever she goes through a break up... haha. She is an interesting one. I went and saw her last week, and that was strange. we talked like old friends, but i also discovered that she still likes me. what a shocker. This girl is a drama queen, a liar, a slut (not to be rude or anything, but if i walked up to her with a condom in hand she would then begin stripping, yes, that bad), and all around dramatic... did i already say that?... oh well. Anyways i don't plan on seeing her for a long while.
Then there is my most recent ex.... Julia... So many things go through my head when that name is said. Or even thought. Or referred to. (First, I have to apologize to Alyse. You are my world, Alyse. I don't know where I would be without you. Please don't let this get to you.) I loved Julia with all my heart. I was mentally ready to spend the rest of my life with her. Her family loved me. Even her dad! Which is a hard thing to do. Her family seemed to be very close to how my family is. They play games as a family, make sure that the family stays close. Board games have always been a classic around my parents house. We always played them as a family, and still do. Her family did the same. I felt at home when i was there. I was ready to be calling President Noble, Dad. And Sister Noble, Mom. Julia's brother and I got along quite well. We would teast Julia just as if we were brothers. I felt a part of the family already. In my mind, i knew that they were going to be my in-laws. Well, one day, Julia breaks up with me. For a week, I held my own. I kept on telling myself to get over it. Covered sadness with anger. Then one night she called me a liar and an asshole. I fell apart. Fragments of my heart all over the kitchen floor. I hadn't been able to talk to anyone about how I felt. No venting happened before this event. So it burst, like a balloon with too much air. I balled my eyes out for what seemed like days, even weeks, when it was only hours. Before that night, I had no idea that one's heart could hurt physically from an emotional cut. but that night proved me wrong. My chest, My heart really did feel as if someone was taking knife and slowly tearing it into small pieces. the cutting and burning sensation was unlike anything else. I didn't know what to do. I needed a hug, but didn't know if anyone wanted to give it. I grabbed sam. Now me and sam have had our differences. We bash heads quite often. But i think this has something to do with the fact that we're so much alike. Our strengths and weaknesses are the same. So our weaknesses do not compliment each other. but there is a reason I'm still his friend. And that's because he does care. I'm not a nuisence, I'm a friend. and it means a lot. Anyways back to hugging. Hugging sam that night made a huge difference. I wanted so desperately to hug either nessa or alyse, but didn't know how they would react. and deena, well she's one to try to solve things, not to comfort. So, it came to sam. Now i may sound a little gay putting sam on such a high pedestal, but what the hell? He did, he helped a lot. After i calmed down a little, Alyse and I proceeded to talk about music. she got my mind off things and let me show her a few of my favorite bands. I can't thank you enough, Alyse.
After that night... the remnants of my broken heart that i could salvage went into a safe. and i broke the key. on purpose. i told myself that i couldn't trust anyone with it anymore. My heart was mine, and mine alone. now, i so desperately want to give it up again, but i need the key. In order to get that, i need a blacksmith to make a new one. It has to be one hell of a blacksmith too. alyse has tried so many times, but no matter how willing i am, i just can't seem to give it up. There's a part of julia in that safe still. and i think she is keeping it shut. alyse has made the right key, but it won't open. i keep telling myself, "one day, you'll see julia, and nothing will happen. you own't hurt, wounds will not open, scars will be left alone" but every time i see her, i want desperately to be back. Back when we were together in the beginning, before we even had sex. but then i realize that that isn't possible, and i go off and wallow in my own self pity. then proceed to want Alyse terribly bad. i just hope that one day i can let her go. go on with life and let another heal my heart and claim it as their own.
I'm sorry to write such a depressing blog. I'll try to be more energetic next time!
goodbye good friends.
Friday, March 6, 2009
All For You
Alyse, this is the song I wrote you. To all others, your just going to have to deal with the sappiness for a minute!
You, you love me.
I can see it in your eyes.
You forgive me
For everything inside.
And you believe me.
You believe every word.
When I say...
Please forgive me,
for everything I've done.
Please believe me,
I'm just not that strong.
My heart is torn in two.
But all because of you.
My heart is healing now,
All for you.
You, you smile,
And look me in the eyes.
You say that you love me,
And there's no need to cry.
But you, you listen,
To me patiently.
When I say...
Please forgive me,
for everything I've done.
Please believe me,
I'm just not that strong.
My heart is torn in two.
But all because of you.
My heart is healing now,
All for you.
You forgive me,
for everything I've done.
You believe me,
and you're making me that strong.
My heart is now yours.
I'm giving it up to you.
I wear it on my shoulder,
All for you.
All for you.
Just for you.
There ya go Alyse. Happy Valentines Day again! :->
You, you love me.
I can see it in your eyes.
You forgive me
For everything inside.
And you believe me.
You believe every word.
When I say...
Please forgive me,
for everything I've done.
Please believe me,
I'm just not that strong.
My heart is torn in two.
But all because of you.
My heart is healing now,
All for you.
You, you smile,
And look me in the eyes.
You say that you love me,
And there's no need to cry.
But you, you listen,
To me patiently.
When I say...
Please forgive me,
for everything I've done.
Please believe me,
I'm just not that strong.
My heart is torn in two.
But all because of you.
My heart is healing now,
All for you.
You forgive me,
for everything I've done.
You believe me,
and you're making me that strong.
My heart is now yours.
I'm giving it up to you.
I wear it on my shoulder,
All for you.
All for you.
Just for you.
There ya go Alyse. Happy Valentines Day again! :->
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