Hmm... Life is quite the interesting subject. Talk to some, and they will say that life is a waste. Life is not worth living, and that you're better off elsewhere. Heaven or Hell. Talk to others, and they will tell you that life is worth it. You're better off here, learning, growing, living. I've realized this more this past week than any other time in my life. The time we have on this earth is precious. Every little memory; every little pasttime; every little heartbreak is another step to growth. The good. The bad. The happy. The sad. Every emotion, every thought, every feeling is life itself. To make it good, all you have to do is think that all is well.
I know. Quite the change from my last blog, eh? :P Well, I have had a lot on my mind, and I have decided, that it's not worth wasting my time worrying. Worrying about the future, worrying about love or hate. But what it is worth, is learning. My past week has been a rollercoaster of every emotion and trial that's really possible in my situation.
The other night, I walked to the door, grabbed the ripstick and decided to be alone for a while. Cameron noticed I was leaving and asked if he could tag along. "NO!!!!" I thought to myself, but said, "Sure..." When we got out, I spilled my thoughts. I told him how I was feeling. Told him that I was ready to give up. Then he said one of many things that I will never forget. "Every trial your going through, you can handle. Nothing is thrown at you that you can't." I thought to myself, "Yeah, I can handle this. I'm tough. I'm not weak. I'm not going to give in to whatever power is trying to bring me down. I can step up and do this." Cameron has such a way of being profound sometimes. I do miss walking out with him to have a smoke. A lot was said on our small 5 minute breaks. Thanx Cam.
I don't know what's going to happen to me within the next year, let alone the next month. All I know is that I can handle it, and I can learn from it. Morgan is an amazing girl. I can't explain to anyone what happened to me the very first time I saw her. On my side, it was love at first sight. But she's not ready, and I don't know if she ever will be. For me at least. I do know that because I met her, I have grown. I have learned. I have learned patience, love, compassion, friendship, and all of this happened in one week. One week of my small existence. The best, and worst week of my life. She is broken. Broken into many pieces. I've noticed that a lot of the girls that I have liked, started out broken, I've mended them, and then they move on. Move on to bigger and better things. I just hope that one day, one of them won't want to leave, and I'll stay with them forever.
As for my roommates, I couldn't ask for better. Sam pulled me aside, and told me that he didn't feel how I thought he felt about me. Told me that he was there for me, and if there was anything I needed, he would help me out. This caught me off guard so bad. I don't know if he noticed, but I was shocked. I have no idea why. I should have known this. They are amazing in every way. I love the many late night talks I have with Deena (mostly about how stupid guys are, but hey, it helps me not be stupid! jk). She is one of the greatest women in my life.
NESSA!!!!!!!! I can't even start! I don't know where to start. You love me no matter what I do. But I will tell you this, your guilt stares sure work! Haha! I couldn't ask for a better fake sis! I can tell you this much. We did meet for a reason. Now, what that reason is, I couldn't tell you. But you have done so much for me, and I don't know how I'll even prepare to begin to pay you back. Love ya, and always will.
Alyse. You rock! I've missed seeing you so much. You helped me realize who I am. You gave me confidence. I love reading your many blogs. It's nice to stay updated when I don't see you as much anymore. I wish I had a car! :-P
Cosette. I don't even know if you read my blogs, but you are one awesome girl. Your latest blog sure helped me out, and I am indebted to you for it. Thank you for being support when you didn't even know it! Tee hee! :->
And if there is anyone else I forgot, I'm sorry. I'm very tired. I just took my sleeping pill and it sure has kicked in. I can barely still sit here and type, so I'll be off. Thank you to all for giving me a better lookout on life and a stronger self-confidence. Goodnight
Jay
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Can anyone turn on the light?
My blogs are always so dramatic, and I'm sorry if I annoy anyone. Just had to say that.
(your probably rolling your eyes thinking "here we go again...")
This past week... I can't even describe it. It was what I thought the best week of my life, but it turned out to be one of the worst.
Sunday Night:
So, I'm out smoking a cigarette with Cameron, and his dad picks him up to take him to job corps. Janae pulls in and we start talking. She tells me that they were rolling that night and said that I could come roll also. So, I scrounged the apartment for coins, and came up with the twelve dollars for one pill. I went to their apartment at around 7 and I met her. Morgan. *sigh* We talked and talked and talked about everything. I have not been able to talk to someone so easily, so quickly. She was like my other half. Then, at around 930, we took the pills. I snorted mine. The trip hit very very fast. All night, morgan and I hung out. She was very horny because of the pills, but because of past experiences, and the longing for this to last, I didn't let anything happen. We kissed, but I wouldn't let it go any further. The next day, I woke up as one of the three people on her bed, and thought, "I could get used to this!" Kite, a juvy runaway, was sleeping next to me, and Morgan was on the other side of me. She was so cute while she was sleeping. :-P
Monday:
I stayed with her all day. We hung out, talked about more music, and just did whatever. That night, I was spiked again. I was tripping, high, and drunk all at the same time. MY GOD! My body had no idea what I had done to it. She was also drunk, and once again, horny. Still, I didn't let anything happen. If anything was going to happen, I wanted both of us to be sober when it did. Later, I went to H&R block with my dad, and she went out with her kind of boyfriend idiot, who everyone hates. He treated her terribly, and being with me, made her realize that she could have better. She was with him for hours. In the end, I realized that they were in her room, getting all of his shit that he had left there. Right when I decide to go over there, HE is walking out. AWKWARD!!!! Anyway, she came back and anounced that she was officially single, but was a little distant, giving me the hint that she wanted to stay that way for a while. I respected that, but still /shrugged it off.
Tuesday:
I again, wake up by her side, with a smile. She had even told me that I'm the first guy she's actually been able to comfortably cuddle with, and sleep at the same time. We, again, hung out all day. That night we were both pretty sober, and I let my gaurd down. Damnet.
Wednesday:
Wake up to her cuddling, and decide that this is a good life. I couldn't understand how I could fall for someone so damn quickly, but I had. We hung out, but I ended up sleeping in my own bed! Haha!
Thursday:
I went back over there at about 10, and we hung out all day. Then, Kite, had no place to stay and almost got the cops called on him. We had to take him home. Jake, Morgan's best friend, AND EX, took him home, and we tagged along. Five hour drive at 11 at night. My GOD! When we got back, we were both very tired, so we went to our own beds.
Friday:
I, again, went back over in the morning, and we hung out all day, and ended up rolling again that night. The only difference was I had two, instead of one. I thought it would be a good night, until Morgan was being very distant. I was doing okay, until the stoners went home, and it was only four of us. Two guys, and two girls. As Morgan put it, the pressure was on. As soon as they left, and Sam kicked me out, my trip was terrible. I was very very moody, and I didn't enjoy anything. And to make matters worse, I slept on the couch. Ouch!
Saturday:
I realized that she needed some space. So I left her alone, but continued to bitch and complain about how stupid I had been that week to Jake. He kept on telling me I was just making it worse for her, and our chances slimmer. That night though, they came over. She wanted to say hi. It made my night. Better, and worse. I wanted her so badly, but knew if I tried, it would be over.
Sunday, Today:
She called me, and asked for a griddle for pancakes. I brought it over, said hi for a minute, and left. We texted on and off today, and things are looking better. I just feel different. That's what I get for being stupid, right? I feel a change in me. I'm more quite. More relaxed. And very very spacey. I space out so often.... Too often. I don't know if my roommates have noticed it. And now, I've screwed them over for rent this month. In the end, I will have around 150 to 200 dollars, when I need 368. I'm an irresponsible, joke of a friend, loser. I'm sure my roommates agree. On top of it all, Morgan is moving. The cops are finding out that they were keeping Mike Banta, Kite's runaway Juvy friend, and it's getting too sketchy. Also, they don't have enough credit to sign a contract. I don't know where she's going, but she's moving out with Jake. What the fuck? I know they're best friends and all, but moving out with your ex who is still madly and deeply in love with you? Absolutely ridiculous.
Anyways, to conclude, I have ruined chances with an amazing girl, can't come up with rent and screwed over my roommates, and, now have changed because of one week. One crazy, perilous week that fucked me up the ass. I'm sorry to anyone that I have offended. Hopefully you'll forgive me.
Jorden out.
(your probably rolling your eyes thinking "here we go again...")
This past week... I can't even describe it. It was what I thought the best week of my life, but it turned out to be one of the worst.
Sunday Night:
So, I'm out smoking a cigarette with Cameron, and his dad picks him up to take him to job corps. Janae pulls in and we start talking. She tells me that they were rolling that night and said that I could come roll also. So, I scrounged the apartment for coins, and came up with the twelve dollars for one pill. I went to their apartment at around 7 and I met her. Morgan. *sigh* We talked and talked and talked about everything. I have not been able to talk to someone so easily, so quickly. She was like my other half. Then, at around 930, we took the pills. I snorted mine. The trip hit very very fast. All night, morgan and I hung out. She was very horny because of the pills, but because of past experiences, and the longing for this to last, I didn't let anything happen. We kissed, but I wouldn't let it go any further. The next day, I woke up as one of the three people on her bed, and thought, "I could get used to this!" Kite, a juvy runaway, was sleeping next to me, and Morgan was on the other side of me. She was so cute while she was sleeping. :-P
Monday:
I stayed with her all day. We hung out, talked about more music, and just did whatever. That night, I was spiked again. I was tripping, high, and drunk all at the same time. MY GOD! My body had no idea what I had done to it. She was also drunk, and once again, horny. Still, I didn't let anything happen. If anything was going to happen, I wanted both of us to be sober when it did. Later, I went to H&R block with my dad, and she went out with her kind of boyfriend idiot, who everyone hates. He treated her terribly, and being with me, made her realize that she could have better. She was with him for hours. In the end, I realized that they were in her room, getting all of his shit that he had left there. Right when I decide to go over there, HE is walking out. AWKWARD!!!! Anyway, she came back and anounced that she was officially single, but was a little distant, giving me the hint that she wanted to stay that way for a while. I respected that, but still /shrugged it off.
Tuesday:
I again, wake up by her side, with a smile. She had even told me that I'm the first guy she's actually been able to comfortably cuddle with, and sleep at the same time. We, again, hung out all day. That night we were both pretty sober, and I let my gaurd down. Damnet.
Wednesday:
Wake up to her cuddling, and decide that this is a good life. I couldn't understand how I could fall for someone so damn quickly, but I had. We hung out, but I ended up sleeping in my own bed! Haha!
Thursday:
I went back over there at about 10, and we hung out all day. Then, Kite, had no place to stay and almost got the cops called on him. We had to take him home. Jake, Morgan's best friend, AND EX, took him home, and we tagged along. Five hour drive at 11 at night. My GOD! When we got back, we were both very tired, so we went to our own beds.
Friday:
I, again, went back over in the morning, and we hung out all day, and ended up rolling again that night. The only difference was I had two, instead of one. I thought it would be a good night, until Morgan was being very distant. I was doing okay, until the stoners went home, and it was only four of us. Two guys, and two girls. As Morgan put it, the pressure was on. As soon as they left, and Sam kicked me out, my trip was terrible. I was very very moody, and I didn't enjoy anything. And to make matters worse, I slept on the couch. Ouch!
Saturday:
I realized that she needed some space. So I left her alone, but continued to bitch and complain about how stupid I had been that week to Jake. He kept on telling me I was just making it worse for her, and our chances slimmer. That night though, they came over. She wanted to say hi. It made my night. Better, and worse. I wanted her so badly, but knew if I tried, it would be over.
Sunday, Today:
She called me, and asked for a griddle for pancakes. I brought it over, said hi for a minute, and left. We texted on and off today, and things are looking better. I just feel different. That's what I get for being stupid, right? I feel a change in me. I'm more quite. More relaxed. And very very spacey. I space out so often.... Too often. I don't know if my roommates have noticed it. And now, I've screwed them over for rent this month. In the end, I will have around 150 to 200 dollars, when I need 368. I'm an irresponsible, joke of a friend, loser. I'm sure my roommates agree. On top of it all, Morgan is moving. The cops are finding out that they were keeping Mike Banta, Kite's runaway Juvy friend, and it's getting too sketchy. Also, they don't have enough credit to sign a contract. I don't know where she's going, but she's moving out with Jake. What the fuck? I know they're best friends and all, but moving out with your ex who is still madly and deeply in love with you? Absolutely ridiculous.
Anyways, to conclude, I have ruined chances with an amazing girl, can't come up with rent and screwed over my roommates, and, now have changed because of one week. One crazy, perilous week that fucked me up the ass. I'm sorry to anyone that I have offended. Hopefully you'll forgive me.
Jorden out.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Attachment in 4 days
Oh my god! This has been an insane week. So let me fill you all in.
Sunday night, the girls across the hall invited me to a party. Janay (i have no idea how she spells it) was where my eye was. I had a bit of a crush on her. Then, I met Morgan! :-P Right when I met her, we talked about music and music and music. For the rest of the night, we were together. We talked and hung out the entire night, and a few of us ended up crashing in her room. I woke up next to her, and I thought, "I could get used to this!" (we didn't have sex or anything, we were just trippin, and very high, so three of us crashed on her bed.) What was funny about the entire night is, her ex-boyfriend, who, mind you, is still absolutely and completely in love with her, was telling both of us that we should date. Also, the first day she moved in, she saw my skating on the ripstick, and told Jake, (the ex), that I was cute, and she was totally checking me out! Haha! So anyways, back to my story. She was kinda sorta dating someone at the time. His name was Devan the Dueshbag. Everyone hates him. He was the kind of guy that loves his car more than anything else, and yet won't use it to drive from orem to see her. She has been meaning to end it all, but she never did. I gave her reason to. We were talking about it the next day, and he wanted to hang out. So I went to H&R block, like I said in my last blog, and she went out with him. I was kinda worried, cause they were in her room for an eternity, but then I found out why! I went over there, and he walks out with a bunch of his shit, in his hands. They were getting rid of his shit that he had left! They broke up! :-P So that night, I stayed again. Got baked and tripped again (cause it lasts). We still didn't do anything. I didn't want this to be only a drug trip, so I wouldn't let her do anything, even though she sure tried. I wanted to wait till a day we were both sober, and then maybe think about anything. I wanted our relationship to be real. So the next day, I chilled there all day. I came home to sleep though. We figured I'd been over there so long.... even though I went back at 10 the next morning.... Haha! Hung out with her all day, yet again. We lay down and listen to music all day. Normally, I would say we need to do other things, but first, neither of us have any money, and second, we both are enjoying ourselves quite a bit! :-> Going on, last night, we had to take this 15 year old runaway back home. He had runaway from rehab, and he didn't have a place to stay. Kite, (interesting name huh?) stayed across the hall for a while, and then Jake took him home. Jake's dad threatened to call the cops, so we had to take him home, all the way to Ferrin. This small town half an hour from Price. It was a 2 and a half drive there. Jake wanted to take only Kite and Morgan. Morgan didn't like this idea, because that would mean two and a half hours alone with her ex who is in love with her, on the way back. So she told him it was either Morgan and I, or neither. That made me happy! Shows that she's loyal! :-) So we went. Dropped off Kite. Jake was really sad about it though. He had grown to like Kite quite a bit. He was crying on the drive home, but he's alright. It was about 330 when we got back, so we just went to our own rooms, and she told me to come wake her up this morning. So, at 1045, I went in and jumped on her! :-> It was fun. Anyways, to make a long story short, Morgan is an awesome girl. She's only been out for about half an hour, and I already miss her. Haha! I'm pathetic! She's really cute. She is so tan, and it is way sexy! She has a vision imparement, but I think it's cute. She has to get, like, an inch from the computer screen and follow the cursor cause it's so small. It's not like she can't see, she just can't drive. Anyways, I'll quit doating on her. :-P I'm sure you're sick of it! :-> :-> :-> :->
Sunday night, the girls across the hall invited me to a party. Janay (i have no idea how she spells it) was where my eye was. I had a bit of a crush on her. Then, I met Morgan! :-P Right when I met her, we talked about music and music and music. For the rest of the night, we were together. We talked and hung out the entire night, and a few of us ended up crashing in her room. I woke up next to her, and I thought, "I could get used to this!" (we didn't have sex or anything, we were just trippin, and very high, so three of us crashed on her bed.) What was funny about the entire night is, her ex-boyfriend, who, mind you, is still absolutely and completely in love with her, was telling both of us that we should date. Also, the first day she moved in, she saw my skating on the ripstick, and told Jake, (the ex), that I was cute, and she was totally checking me out! Haha! So anyways, back to my story. She was kinda sorta dating someone at the time. His name was Devan the Dueshbag. Everyone hates him. He was the kind of guy that loves his car more than anything else, and yet won't use it to drive from orem to see her. She has been meaning to end it all, but she never did. I gave her reason to. We were talking about it the next day, and he wanted to hang out. So I went to H&R block, like I said in my last blog, and she went out with him. I was kinda worried, cause they were in her room for an eternity, but then I found out why! I went over there, and he walks out with a bunch of his shit, in his hands. They were getting rid of his shit that he had left! They broke up! :-P So that night, I stayed again. Got baked and tripped again (cause it lasts). We still didn't do anything. I didn't want this to be only a drug trip, so I wouldn't let her do anything, even though she sure tried. I wanted to wait till a day we were both sober, and then maybe think about anything. I wanted our relationship to be real. So the next day, I chilled there all day. I came home to sleep though. We figured I'd been over there so long.... even though I went back at 10 the next morning.... Haha! Hung out with her all day, yet again. We lay down and listen to music all day. Normally, I would say we need to do other things, but first, neither of us have any money, and second, we both are enjoying ourselves quite a bit! :-> Going on, last night, we had to take this 15 year old runaway back home. He had runaway from rehab, and he didn't have a place to stay. Kite, (interesting name huh?) stayed across the hall for a while, and then Jake took him home. Jake's dad threatened to call the cops, so we had to take him home, all the way to Ferrin. This small town half an hour from Price. It was a 2 and a half drive there. Jake wanted to take only Kite and Morgan. Morgan didn't like this idea, because that would mean two and a half hours alone with her ex who is in love with her, on the way back. So she told him it was either Morgan and I, or neither. That made me happy! Shows that she's loyal! :-) So we went. Dropped off Kite. Jake was really sad about it though. He had grown to like Kite quite a bit. He was crying on the drive home, but he's alright. It was about 330 when we got back, so we just went to our own rooms, and she told me to come wake her up this morning. So, at 1045, I went in and jumped on her! :-> It was fun. Anyways, to make a long story short, Morgan is an awesome girl. She's only been out for about half an hour, and I already miss her. Haha! I'm pathetic! She's really cute. She is so tan, and it is way sexy! She has a vision imparement, but I think it's cute. She has to get, like, an inch from the computer screen and follow the cursor cause it's so small. It's not like she can't see, she just can't drive. Anyways, I'll quit doating on her. :-P I'm sure you're sick of it! :-> :-> :-> :->
Monday, May 18, 2009
hmmm... life and it's many confuzing aspects....
So to begin, I went to a party last night and it was THE best party I've ever been to. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Mainly because I met this awesome girl. Her name is Morgan. We hit it off quite well. We had a great night and we planned to hang out today. Well, I get up, come back to the apartment and I had to go to H&R block to fix my tax return issues. I told her that I'd come after I got back. In fact, she made me promise. I get back and she's out with this loser that everyone hates. His name is Devan, Devan the Deusch. Nobody likes him. He's one of those controlling guys that love their car more than their girlfriend. They are not officially together, but he acts like it. She was going to stop him, so that we could give us a try. Well, when I got back from H&R block, like I said, she wasn't there. Mind you, this was about 130 or so. Now, she's still with him, and, ridiculous as it is, I'm jealous. I just met her last night, but we connected so well. I don't know. Maybe I should quit being such a drama queen. I really like this girl, though. Hopefully it'll all work out.
Oh, and the usual:
No car
No phone
No money
Bad job
Life Rocks!
Oh, and the usual:
No car
No phone
No money
Bad job
Life Rocks!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Me = L for LOSER!
Okay, so that's a bit dramatic, but from outpoint of view, I am quite the definition of loser! I lose my job because I'm late, I lose my phone because I'm too clumsy, I lose my car because I'm too lazy to fix it. I sit around the apartment all day playing video games having no way of doing anything, and now here I am on the computer bitching about it.... Hmm.... Yeah.... Loser!
I'm sorry for all the bitching but it feels good. Cam is leaving me, so I won't have anyone to keep me company while I sit around the apartment waiting for a car to go look for jobs. I'm going to be alone, without money, without a phone, and without something to do (other than stare at a fucking boob tube). And Now! Just to make everything better, Pleasant Springs Apartments decided to charge us a humongous late fee for paying rent late. We have no idea how to pay it and if we don't in 3 days, we're evicted. UGH!!!
Life has a way of slamming the door shut just in time to cut off your big toe, leaving you imbalanced and hurt. Blah Blah Blah, I'll shutup now.
Jorden
I'm sorry for all the bitching but it feels good. Cam is leaving me, so I won't have anyone to keep me company while I sit around the apartment waiting for a car to go look for jobs. I'm going to be alone, without money, without a phone, and without something to do (other than stare at a fucking boob tube). And Now! Just to make everything better, Pleasant Springs Apartments decided to charge us a humongous late fee for paying rent late. We have no idea how to pay it and if we don't in 3 days, we're evicted. UGH!!!
Life has a way of slamming the door shut just in time to cut off your big toe, leaving you imbalanced and hurt. Blah Blah Blah, I'll shutup now.
Jorden
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